Before I left, my mom asked me what kind of mattress I wanted.
Me: “You know, one where if someone else moves, you can’t feel
it.”
Mom: “Who else would move?”
Me: “What?”
Mom: “Who were you talking about when you said ‘Someone else moves?’”
Me: “No one.
Nothing. What?”
Mom: “You were talking about someone else in your bed.”
Me: “Someone else?
What? No. No I wasn’t. I was just talking about some… thing. Like maybe I just want to bring a glass of
wine into bed and jump on the bed. And I
just don’t want that wine to spill. Are
those your keys? GreatthanksI’m gonna go, remember to buy some more Ezekiel bread, byeeeee!”
I cruised out to Bethesda in mother’s whip, and since selling
the Prius, had forgotten what it’s like to listen to the radio. I got in the car and on came a loud
voice. God? Carl Kasell. It then took a good 5-7 minutes to figure out
which knob turned the dial, which for the volume, what to press for a lil tush
heat, where the lever is that turns on the thing you use when you need to
turn. You know, the think that
blinks. The blinky thing. This is a pre-emptive apology to my mom if
she receives any speed camera photos where I am full out belting to One
Direction while potentially going 5… 10… maybe 25 miles sliiightly over Maryland’s
suggested speed. |
| The whip in question. Yeah... really. I know. No, I know. |
I entered Mattress Discounters.
Now, the only things I know about mattresses is that they should be
comfortable, and in my humble opinion, under $1,000. I also now know “Sticker Shock” is a very
real thing. I had about 35 seconds before
being honed in and attacked by the retail drone. In those seconds, I lifted up the covers that
hid the prices on a few mattresses.
There’s a reason they keep those prices under fabric flaps. They are absurd. Me exclaiming out loud, “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
absurd. Faint-worthy prices. Good thing there are beds, literally, all around
you. And falling post-faint, on to
memory foam IS pretty nice.
Darren, the suit-clad used car/new mattress salesman must have
heard my excitement and quickly approached me.
“Hi, how can I help you today?”
Well, Darren, have you heard of Overstock.com because THIS IS
RIDICULOUS. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
RIDICULOUS. WHY WOULD ANYONE PAY THIS
MUCH FOR A BOX OF SPRINGS COVERED IN FABRIC?
WHY? OH, IT’S BECAUSE IT’S
“MEMORY FOAM?” I’M NOT RISKING 2 WEEKS’
PAY ON A SLAB OF FOAM THAT MAY END UP WITH ALZEIMERS IN 4 MONTHS.
None of that came out of my mouth. Instead, I answered, “Hi, um, I’m looking for
a mattress.” That would be weird if I
wasn’t. “I’m looking for a mattress that
does not cost this much,” motioning with disgust at the square bearing the sad
market value truth. Darren looked
optimistic. “We can definitely make that
happen for you today.” Can you,
Darren? Can you make that promise? Because I’ve been let down many times in my
27 years, and damn it if I’m going to be disappointed by a stranger in a
mattress store.
I should’ve known that wasn’t really going to happen when he
lead me to the back of the store. I’m
talking back. As we walked further in, climates
changed. Buzzards sat upon boulders that
suddenly materialized, waiting for me to finally keel over after my futile
price battle.
“This one here is a comfortable mattress, pretty firm, and in
your price range.” He was right -- it
was pretty firm AND under $1,000. By 5
dollars. I hopped on, taking my cue from
the couple in matching fleece vests and ponytails, lying side by side. The only thing distracting me from my full
lumbar-attentive review was the pillow.
I craned my neck, and saw their ponytails draped over the back of the
mattress. I started to wonder… “How many
people have been on this bed?” I saw
their kid jumping on another mattress towards the front. “How many kids have been on this bed?” “HOW MANY LICE ARE CURRENTLY ON THIS BED
RIGHT NOW?” Before I could actually
compute a realistic number of about a bajillion, I created a scientific law
that lice don’t attach to the hair of those over 12. And for those of you thinking “BUT WHAT ABOUT
CRABS??” You’re gross.
 |
| MUST BE THE MATTRESSSSSSS -- Nelly Remix Feat. DJJSB |
After testing the cheaper mattress, and then the even cheaper
mattress, I was not satisfied. Frustrated,
I sat down. And sank into gel and foam
heaven. The KoolGel held my heart and
gently cradled my ass. I flipped over,
took out my phone and snapped a picture of the mattress name and price. “Oh. I
see.” Darrell approached me. “Taking pictures, huh? I knew it.
I knew you were working for the enemy.”
I guess the enemy was a comparison shopper?
I waited until Darrell turned his attention to the married
twins, and scooted out of there. I then walked
nextdoor to Sleepy’s. Apparently the
mattress market is not booming like I had anticipated, and I was alone in the
store. Just me and a woman sitting at a
desk at the opposite end of the wide expanse of mattresses.
Employee: Hi there!
Me: Hello.
(She continued to sit at her desk.)
Employee: How are you.
Me: Fine.
(Still at the desk.)
Employee: How can I help you?
Me: I’m looking for a mattress.
Apparently we were going to complete this transaction at a
casual distance of 60-70 feet.The woman lifted herself out of her chair, yanked up her pajama jeans and waddled my way. I could tell by her Kate Gosselin-inspired haircut with subtle, white highlights, and bejeweled flip flops housing once manicured feet – this woman knew a lot about mattress technology. I repeated my needs – a mattress, and a positive checking account balance.
 |
| When I see this, I just think -- "Aficionada." |
“These are the new special prices – and I mean NEW. I haven’t even had time to put them out.” She licked her thumb and started fingering
through. “Oh, look at this one – Sealy pillow
top, normally $1,795 and I can give it to you for $1,400. I mean that’s a steal.” Yes it is.
She is stealing $1,400 of my money, and replacing it with a sleep
square.
Again, I plopped down on a few mattresses. Bounced, turned, laid. Stood up, sat down, repeated. Nothing.
She asked what I was looking for feel-wise. I told her that I enjoyed the idea of memory
foam, but wasn’t really into the sinking-in feeling, which was the entire characterization
of a memory foam mattress. After we had
exhausted almost every option, I finally came upon the Serta Perfect Sleeper
Luminous Euro Top Mattress and Foundation Set.
It had everything I never knew I wanted in a mattress. Luminous.
Euro. IT HAD ‘PERFECT’ IN THE
NAME. There it was – the memory foam top
layer, supported by 520 coiled springs.
It was a hybrid dream. This is
what I wanted to be on. I flipped and I
flopped. The wine definitely wouldn’t
spill. Oh, good, it was only
$1,250. A family came in right after I
snapped a picture of the mattress tag.
She could sense blood in the water.
The blood obviously a result of the cerebral hemorrhage caused by
calculating expenditures. I narrowly
escaped her Bugles-coated grasp and made it to the whip.I then went home, and Overstock/com’d the S out of a new mattress. It was delivered to my new place yesterday. My retiree landlord apparently let the movers in so… I think it’s there?
Next up is either a post about how impossibly smooth the new
move went/my mother’s emotional state after round 2 of emptying the nest. OR, a multi-paragraph rant WITH thesis statement, on the evils of
Overstock.com.
Stay tuned.
